making plans, book smarts & thoughts.

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Photo by jonas mohamadi on

I was thinking about enrolling on a part time college course in maths and English next year. People say you shouldn’t compare yourself with other people, but … I feel I will never catch up with my peers. I left school at fifteen. I hated the place, I was so depressed suicide was on my mind twenty-four seven, and naturally I got zilch in terms of qualifications. At that time you start thinking about what you want to do for a career, going to uni and writing your CV I wasn’t. Depression was telling me all kinds of shit and I didn’t see I had a future. So now I think uni is gone, I’ll never get to go to uni even if I wanted to and as for a career, lol. I’m not too optimistic I will be hopping from one low paid job to another until I retire at ninety-nine.

Of course, I know I can still achieve my goals, there’s no time limit etc but it’s hard to believe that. Mental illness has fucked up a good solid ten years of my life and I’m not going to get those years, those opportunities back. What do I do from here?

College seems a logical step.

It’s strange because I grew up with my parents and my teachers telling me how smart I was and how well I was doing with my schoolwork. This was down to two things, one I couldn’t get enough of reading books, and two I loved doing my homework. It means I’m a knowledge sponge and can retain a good amount of knowledge. I don’t think this makes me smart though. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by all those adults, telling me a load of crap. Especially as when in secondary school my grades fell off a cliff and suddenly those same people were piling in on me, asking why I wasn’t being ‘good’ and basically doing as I was told. Like any teenager, I was trying to be my own person. I ended up concealing a lot of who I was, wanted to be and that’s why I don’t really know who I am, or who I’m supposed to be performing for anymore. Depression stigma means you get quickly labelled as trouble.

I know this is petty and I was lucky I had a good upbringing in that I didn’t want for anything, but I would trade my books for a life where I’m emotionally in a good place, and living my best life (T) or … would I?
I don’t know. Anyway I want to go to college. I said this last year and I wimped out. I’m terrible at committing to anything because I overthink everything and when I’m getting too close to things I distance myself. But my maths is terrible and I need to do something because




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