2 smoked mackerel fillets

2 smoked mackerel fillets, in one vacuumed sealed plastic wrapping, seemed to sum up their marriage. They had purchased them on the Monday, with plans to serve them for breakfast the following day. Only, that morning came, and she gave them a peck on the cheek and said ‘I’m in a hurry. I’ll grab something from the shop’

This had become an ingrained routine. If it wasn’t a hurry she was in, it was an early start to fit in a gym session before going into the office.

The 2 smoked mackerel fillets, in one vacuumed sealed plastic wrapping, reached their expiry date. She couldn’t stomach them and they both loathed fish.

it was never because

i have always lost 
the friends i made -
lost, as if they were like socks
or ballpoint pens 

was it me, i would ask
am i so bad at being a friend 
i am not worthy of that

others seem to attach, assimilate into groups 
without any effort 
seem to fit in 

and i would be so conscious of saying the wrong thing, of staring too long or not making eye contact 
like an exam
i am learning
that it was never because 
i was weird / too much / not enough /
just ‘cuz some kids don’t know any better

I often wonder if I had known I was autistic much earlier, if I grew up in a world where differences were respected and didn’t carry so much stigma and weight, if I hadn’t felt that this was normal and I simply had to toughen up (it’s a lot, I know) Would I loathe myself so much less, would I be a happier and healthier adult? Would I feel less like an imposter and more like me?


the shopping centre is being assembled -
filled with brands -
restaurants and chain stores
that will not feed or clothe -
nor welcome 
the rough sleepers 
that are nestled in the shop doorways 
around this building 

‘they’re all addicts’
‘they make more money in a day than we do in a week’

they haven’t anywhere to call home 

we all have our vices 
yours you are able 
to hide behind 
front door 

Wrote this during NANOWRIMO a year, 2 years ago maybe? Not sure about the last lines. But the sentiment remains.

If you are able to Shelter Centrepoint and Crisis are charities that help people who are struggling and welcome donations.