it was never because

i have always lost 
the friends i made -
lost, as if they were like socks
or ballpoint pens 

was it me, i would ask
am i so bad at being a friend 
i am not worthy of that

others seem to attach, assimilate into groups 
without any effort 
seem to fit in 

and i would be so conscious of saying the wrong thing, of staring too long or not making eye contact 
like an exam
i am learning
that it was never because 
i was weird / too much / not enough /
just ‘cuz some kids don’t know any better

I often wonder if I had known I was autistic much earlier, if I grew up in a world where differences were respected and didn’t carry so much stigma and weight, if I hadn’t felt that this was normal and I simply had to toughen up (it’s a lot, I know) Would I loathe myself so much less, would I be a happier and healthier adult? Would I feel less like an imposter and more like me?

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