My anxiety has been bad over the last few weeks and it is probably because I have been challenging my anxiety and trying to do different things in March. I have gotten used to certain times and schedules and people I have to see and whatnot and when these things change, I react negatively because I do not like change, so that meant taking some steps back.
I feel shattered, battling your own brain is exhausting. Sometimes I merely want to live and get through a day and when I have to think about other things that cause me to feel anxious, that gives the anxiety power so I struggle some days to be productive. It zaps me of control. I have to remind myself getting through a day is literally what I need to do. There’s a lot to fit in, especially with taking care of yourself and I think I have been doing well in that aspect, at least. Here’s a poem I wrote a few days ago, some thoughts.
My anxiety means brain fog Means wobbly jelly legs and tunnel vision I stop and stare at the floor and in turn everyone stops and stares at me – I feel stupid and useless and ugly (and I am aware I am due a haircut and I have been worrying about that for weeks) And my only means of escape is to rotate and head for the exit Head for the exit Because there’s never been anybody who understands Who explains and listens and puts a steadying hand on my arm So I have learnt to hide Or to exit And now every time I try to create something new for myself My anxiety roars and roars An upset tummy and worries and endless repeats of what ifs and what has gone wrong before Chasing me into a corner And nobody knows They see me and think shy and reserved and quiet But they think I am able And I am not I just want to exit and hide – Stay inside
Poetic Insights 