I write this at 6.15 in the morning on the 14th of August. I have probably had a few hours sleep. We are experiencing another heatwave, here in the UK and it is too hot to sleep. I also have been bitten by bugs and understanding scratching them will make them worse but at the same time, the temptation to itch is driving me up the wall.
My McAfee security has expired, as it has been telling me for the last 4 weeks it was due to. The little pop up constantly letting me know. I have to renew my website domain as well, and WordPress plan. I have decided to let my Microsoft expire. Something had to go. August can be a costly month.
I have found a few jobs that I need to draft cover letters for. I don’t mind writing cover letters. I feel as if I can explain who I am better, when I’m able to write longer sentences. CVS are quite rudimentary, aren’t they? I feel a little unmotivated at the moment because you find jobs that you are excited about and then you never hear back from them. I still have to go to my appointments at the Job Centre once a week. I had an appointment last week, which I was 10 minutes early for. The woman at reception told me to wait outside because my job coach was still at lunch. Eventually I went in to see my job coach and I was waiting for 15 minutes until another job coach asked me who I was in to see and he told me my job coach was not in that day. This kind of thing has happened before. I don’t know why the receptionist wasn’t aware that my job coach was not at work today. That seems like something a receptionist should know.
I feel as if there is a lot of stigma attached to being unemployed. The media have done their work over the past 10 years, or whatever, calling unemployed people scroungers and claiming there are people on disability benefits that aren’t even disabled (as if that process is a doddle and not a process of jumping through various hoops) I feel as if I have to be ultra-grateful for the benefits system, even though (like a lot of the systems we have) it is broke.
(of course, I am ultra-grateful for the benefits system, because December of last year and January of this year were so fucking hard money wise and I would not want to go through that again)
I know, people say money doesn’t buy happiness but I feel a lot more secure with money, and less panicking about unexpected bills, and of course, the rising cost of food. I’m rubbish at math, as well, and I find dealing with money so frustrating.
Thinking about all of this, it gets me down because if my mental health hadn’t been so shit I would probably be achieving a lot more. When I think about being 15, and that’s when the kids in my class at school were prepping their CVS and thinking about which a-levels to take to get into university, and the teachers were helping them. I was sitting there, thinking I want to die and that I don’t have a future. I was not getting excited about future possibilities at that age. I thought life was shit and pointless and was going to remain that way. Then there were the years afterwards, when I tried to go into college and complete my math and English qualification. But my mental health was not good and it got worse to the point, I developed agoraphobia. At least, in that time when I was at college, that was when I was writing poetry and getting published, including my books. I guess I didn’t really know what direction I was heading in. Well, in hindsight I do now. Downwards. So the lesson here is: sort your mental health out because over time it’s going to get worse.
I keep trying to remember though that so much is in my hands and that I can control it, I’m 27 and I’m not a kid now and I need to have my shit together at some point, because otherwise that’s embarrassing. I need to remember what I am capable of doing.